Sometimes, I feel dwarfed by life, humbled, overwhelmed, confused, run over. I can fly for a long time, lean into love, and trust the process, and then suddenly - as if out of nowhere, my inner peace seems like hit by a truck, my confidence smeared out over the pavement, and my anchor withered as if a thousand years of oxygen and salt had a go at it, but in an instant.
And then I get stuck. Where to begin? With the yoga or the laundry? With the writing or the reading? With the conversations or the email? What can be sacrificed on the altar of time passing, sliding? Meditation would be a very wrong choice at this point, all the skeletons in my inner world no longer sneaking but having a real party right there by the edge of the swamp: My inner unstable, chaotic foundation laid out by the story I happen to have.
Even that, I doubt. Is it that, or am I just making excuses?
Sometimes, it all falls apart, and the nights feel lonely, not rich with stars, and the projects seem overwhelming, not inspiring and the options just shouting too loudly for my attention.
Am I simply tired?
No, it is not that. And maybe it does not matter where it comes from. What matters is how to move on. From insecurity, being overwhelmed, bordering anxiety, a lot of confusion and doubt.
I am in my 50th year, have passed the 7x7 epic birthday, and now have clarity about days like this. In my younger years, this would have sent me to bed for hours, days, and sometimes weeks. Or into a desperate romance, party spree, or project.
Now I know.
It is about the bigger picture. Staying ever so softly connected spiritually, via beauty, via guidance - all the synchronicity, the birds, the symbols, the signs, and the natural beauty; the words and the music all carrying the gentle push in the back, like a warm hand of a loved one, just resting softly between the shoulderblades - yet firmly and clearly pushing in one direction. It is about allowing that.
And it is about the core elements. They will always save whatever is on the verge of crashing: Truth. Beauty. Freedom. And love.
While all this head, heart, and soul is going on, on the what-to-do level, getting things done is the other side of the coin. Nothing fancy. Just the usual practicalities. Get the body ready for the day, do the laundry, clean the kitchen, prepare for the work and the meals, and pick up from the floor. A dance between these two levels will, for sure, secure my being and bring me back on track into the powerful usual me.
It is a good thing; I know it. When I crash like this, I can not feel it, and I can hardly believe it, but I can DO it, like a core exercise. Just push through a few hours, and the inner horizon will be clear again.
(photo is a bleak morning photo, representing how I truly felt not awesome)
Journal December 6th, 2024 - Withyham
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