I am in no state to write. I feel like I have nothing to say. Equally, I feel like nobody is listening anyway. Who am I even talking to?
Am I a part of the choir of self-absorbed Goldfish humans, swimming in my bowl pretending it all makes sense? Why have I become a part of the bubble tea party: Little wobbly existences immersed in the same toxic sugar liquid, touching but never connecting?
Does it make any sense to comment on little things every day, trying to extract something universal, something essential, but without taking the time and space and seriousness to unfold the damn thing over enough space to actually make an analysis, think about the full picture, connect to other universal elements of great importance.
Have I become fragmented?
I feel sometimes, the days run through me like sand between my fingers at the beach, and my thoughts are like the Mexican Eagles flying high and gracefully and completely unreachable, contrasted and silhouetted by the bright light and the distance.
I feel sometimes I am walking through heavy layers of mud, moving in slow motion, moving against so much, returning nothing, like nothing being thrown at me in the form of another batch of beans to soak, another empty toilet roll to put in the bin, another load of washing, another pile of bullshit admin nobody loves to do, another workout that will not beam me 20 years back, another bag of disgraceful guilty trash to take down and pretend is okay, another walk to the supermarket to buy the same avocados …
I am 3 days behind again with the challenge.
And today, it makes no sense.
None at all.
I don’t want to be part of the vicious cycle of the internet; I have nothing to say; I am falling.
With love
Cecilie Conrad
Thank you for reading
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