I never knew how much my children's education would be about me.
Even saying it out loud now, 12 years down the road of unschooling, I find it oddly selfish. Yet, I know it is not. Working through all of my demons is the only way to provide true freedom for my children to unfold in their own beautiful way.
It has been a long journey, and I have settled on the understanding it will never stop, never be enough, and can never be fixed. All I can do is stay honest and open-minded, willing to do the work, however hard it might be.
Anyway. It is still important I do my work. And the more I do it, the more I realize how profound the impact of a regular performance in childhood lifestyle is on an entire human lifespan.
This week I have been working with a hard one.
As my parents divorced early in my life and hated each other throughout the rest of their time, my little person became a battlefield.
They would always look for the other person in me and come after me if they saw an influence they did not like.
Imaginary or not, any trait, opinion, habit, or interest they would see in me and believe to originate in the other, they would clearly express dislike.
It was a dance to try to be the one they would like me to be, to not poke the divorce wound and let a little bit of hell break (back) loose.
The only thing they would consistently agree on, and let me own to be mine, was my performance in school.
My wit, my intelligence, my studies, and my accomplishments in school and later university, I could hold as mine unchallenged.
The result was an identity of academic accomplishment.
All I was was smart.
Everything else was up for debate. It would be bent and changed according to the situation.
Today I struggle to let go of the smart identity to allow for more true and complex energy to unfold.
I find it very hard to feel worthy and loved outside of the realm of IQ.
Which is sad, to be honest.
Love and light
Cecilie Conrad
# 109 of my 2023 writing challenge - Read them all here
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