Sibling jealousy is rarely about the relationship between siblings. It is about the child experiencing that it is not seen by the mother and/or father.
The most important thing I’ve learned about sibling jealousy is that it’s not about sibling jealousy.
It’s about them feeling that they are not being seen by mom and/or dad.
Whether that is true or not, whether it is fair or not, is not significant – but that is what it is basically about.
So when my kids are fighting, I try to give them a whole lot of attention. And here we are not talking about just agreeing with them or offering to read aloud and eat chocolate cake.
No. It is about being ultimately present, participating in their reality, and seeing them as they are: different, beautiful, special, and lovely.
And it is very difficult; it requires a lot of personal abundances, presence, and strong nerves! But it works every single time. Sometimes it resolves all conflicts for several weeks; sometimes, it works for ten minutes. In the latter case, it’s a really good idea to do it again, a little longer.
There is a lot more to say about this, but now my kids actually demand my presence – and if you like to dive deeper into this subject, then I would recommend reading the book ‘Siblings without jealousy‘ by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.
May the sun shine on you
Cecilie Conrad
Comments